Contention VS. Empathy

Contention (egotistical verbal defense, arguing for the pleasure of antagonizing, or purposefully ignoring others) ... whatever the flavor, contentious persons are frustrating to communicate with.

One of the most effective ways to combat an enemy, is to intercept their communication lines. This is shown throughout the history of wars with both the jamming of radio signals the efforts officers go through to write in code (in the event that their own communications are intercepted).  

If you understand this truth, then would it not stand to reason that one of the most important ways to build a friendship or other important relationship would be to tune-in and improve communications?

Empathy for another and for the self is healing and relationship-building. Empathy can look like patience, forgiveness, compassion, and connection. 

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Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, founder of The Center for Non-Violent Communication  promotes Empathy as the primary effective strategy for effective communication.

"Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being."

I strongly encourage the study of Dr. Rosenberg's approach for anyone that would like to improve their relationships, whether with a spouse, child, or other human with human needs. A compassionate perspective on decoding another's needs for the intention of finding ways to serve them is a skill that I have strived to implement most of my life. Practicing this relational skill has blessed me with many exciting opportunities to surprise another with acts of service and feel-good fuzzies for myself.

Non-Violent Communication presents an empathetic system for communication where understanding that the other person has human needs, and that decoding to help serve and fill their needs, likely will lead to improved trust and connection within the relationship.

"Nonviolent Communication is based on the principle of Ahimsa — the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart." ~ Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC

Nonviolent Communication is a way of being in the world that has the purpose to serve life and to create connection in such a way that everyone’s needs can be met through natural care. Learn more about the principles and the process of NVC.

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Wendy Watson Nelson, PhD, a retired family and marriage therapist and university professor, shares her views on the damaging effects of contentious communication and heated arguments.

Wendy W. Nelson taught family systems nursing at the University of Calgary and Brigham Young University. Her research helped develop a theoretical framework for family systems nursing. She also co-authored a book on the subject, Beliefs: The Heart of Healing in Families and Illness. 

Watch her inspiring message here:

"If you will remove contention from your life, you will not only change your life, but you will help to change the world itself." -Wendy Watson Nelson

Book Review- "Mutual Radicalization"

Have you ever been in an argument where you start out thinking you have a good reason to disagree, and then 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or a week later you forgot why the argument started in first place?

Maybe this isn't you. But then, have you ever been in an argument, and then some time later the reasons for you holding your position no longer exist, but you you hold your position because you want to be 'right'? ...which ironically, would then make you wrong? but you choose to ignore this?

Maybe this isn't you either. But then, do you know someone who has this problem? 

The following is the result of two individuals or groups choose to engaging in Oppositional Defiant behaviors pitted against each other, when you pit yourself against another member of your team. 

"Radicalization is a process, and mutual radicalization takes place when the actions of one group trigger a more extreme response in a second group, and this triggers further radicalization in the first group. At the heart of mutual radicalization is irrationality, meaning that group members fail to correctly understand what they are doing and why. They become blind to their own motivations and actions. But they continue to behave irrationally because they support one another's worldview, confirming their correctness even as they are falling off the edge of a cliff. Although not all group members are irrational and buy into this warped perception of the world, they all end up falling from the cliff because they are tied to ne another....Mutual radicalization often becomes a self-perpetuating, automatic process, trapping two or more groups in a destructive cycle of conflict....

Fathali M. Moghaddam is a professor of Psychology at Georgetown University and editor for "Peace and Conflict:  Journal of Peace Psychology (American Psychological Association). In Maghaddam's book, "Mutual Radicalization: How Groups and Nations Drive Each Other To Extremes", he illustrates many examples of large-scale groups Not-so-politely perusing and prolonging disagreements.

"Imagine a gigantic snow-capped mountain with two groups of people living alongside one another in the green valley below. The two groups [or individuals] can live in peace in the valley [or home] if they agree on how to share water and other resources in a way that seems fair to both of them. However, in some situations members of one or both groups come to feel they are being treated unjustly. In search of alternatives, one group starts climbing the mountain in order to gain control of the sources of water high on its snow-capped peaks, and the second group does the same, each wrongly imagining that the solution to the problems they experience in their shared valley are to be found by gaining command of those water sources.

"The people in each group imagine that if they reach a higher level and position themselves above the other group, they will be able to become dominant and capture a greater share of water for themselves. The higher the groups climb, the farther behind they leave the agriculture in the valley and the more difficult it becomes for them to think clearly and act rationally. As they make their way higher and higher up the mountain, the thin air and increasingly harsh conditions result in the two groups becoming more and more irrational: They lose touch with the real reasons they do what they do and even become confused about what they are actually doing. They begin to confuse imagination with reality--to believe that the threatening phantoms they see are real. For each group, the other takes on an increasingly fearful shape. The imagined enemy casts a hideous shadow across the entire valley....The groups have become ensnared in a spiral, taking more and more extreme positions in response to what they imagine as the increasing threat from the enemy."

Although most of this book is written with examples of nations not cooperating with each other, the principles found in the final chapter, "Solutions to Mutual Radicalization" and subsection "Climbing Back Down the Mountain, can just as importantly be applied to more local groups, particularly the ones of which you and I belong.

Three Guiding Principles [for de-escalation]: Causes are unstable, Identity comes first [before conflict], Motivations are subjective (meaning that the factors leading to conflict have to be understood from the perspective of those engaged in conflict).

Climbing Back Down the Mountain:

1. Mutual Recognition of Mutual Radicalization (Regardless of how you got up the mountain, you have a part to play in getting back down.)

2. Imagine Peace as Beneficial to the Extended Ingroup (Where individuals move from seeing "us" and "them" [or "me" and "you"] to "WE", and coming to the realization that peace is more beneficial than conflict.) 

3. Mutual Motivation for Change Toward Constructive Relations (Changing the relationship from one of conflict to one of peace, and consciously repeatedly choosing peace again and again when tensions arise and the temptation to go back up the mountain presents itself again and again, until you are safely back in the valley.)

4. Mutual Superordinate Goal (i.e. goals that both groups want to achieve but neither group can achieve without the active participation of the other group.)

A Fulfilling Sense of Purpose

SERVING OTHERS changes perspective,  makes your own troubles seem small, connects us to our community and builds the relationship between the person serving and the recipient, unifies persons serving together, and JUST PLAIN FEELS GOOD!

As the daughter of a counselor, I learned many tools for character development starting at a young age. One of these character qualities that was easy for me to embrace and thrive from is that of serving others. It was always more fun for me to clean someone else's kitchen than my own dish chore; it was more fun to read stories to kids than to complete my own book report; it was more fun to help our elderly neighbor with raking leaves or shoveling snow than it was to stay at home and do whatever. I was a social child and I loved to see other's smile. 

I still love to see other's smile. Though I have less time for service, I still seek for opportunities to help others in meaningful ways. Then, at the end of the day when my energy is mostly spent, the past week or two, I have been enjoying learning about the service others are giving in our society. There's a show I came across called, "Making Good". The narrator travels the country, volunteers for various service organizations, and shares about their projects and the positive impact everyday passionate people are having on the lives of others in need. Some other shows I came across that inspire hope and community include: "Random Acts", "Operation Awesome", and "The Fixers".

Here are some resources to get started with sharing your talents and interests in a serving capacity within the Idaho Treasure Valley community: 

Meridian Library District regularly hosts activities and programs for kids and others. You can help!

JustServe.org is a hub for connecting volunteers with opportunities locally and remotely. You can volunteer for an event, an ongoing need, or donate projects completed at home!

Idaho Nonprofit Center is a resource center for nonprofit organizations. If you are already part of a non-profit organization, you can find opportunities here to connect with other nonprofits. This site also has a job board for those who don't have the ability to volunteer as much as they would like, but would still want to be helping individuals in a caring capacity for those in need. Another way to use this site is to see what organizations are in your community by searching the Member Directory - Find something that interests you to help with, and give that organization a call to see how you can lend a hand! 

Youth Service America has information for educators and youth leaders to help facilitate youth engagement in the community. They also have teaching materials for creating a class service learning experience.

A few more volunteer search tools:  Idealist, Points of Light Engage, VolunteerMatch, For a Brighter Future, Volunteer.gov

Serving others can be as simple as making a daily habit of observing those around you and giving 2-3 minutes to give the gift of a simple act of kindness.

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WHY VONUNTEER??

Science backs that serving others is a part of healthy living.

Service and volunteering improves your health, nurtures relationships, provides purpose, and is an opportunity to learn valuable skills. (Click here to read more: Mayo Clinic.)

"Volunteering connects you to others", "increases social and relationship skills", "is good for your mind and body", "combats depression", "can provide...experience", "can teach you valuable...skills", and "brings fun and fulfillment to your life" (Western Connecticut State University).

"Youth who volunteer just one hour or more a week are 50% less likely to abuse alcohol, cigarettes, become pregnant, or engage other destructive behavior.

"Teens say the benefits received from volunteering are: Learning to respect others; learning to be helpful and kind; learning to understand people who are different; developing leadership skills, becoming more patient, and better understanding of citizenship.

"Youth who volunteer are more likely to do well in school, graduate and vote."

(University of Nevada).

Service and volunteering are "good for both mind and body" (Harvard University).

Don't Judge Me. Teach Me.

I was having a conversation with someone who I have known for the past 30+ years. I was feeling discouraged by this person's suggestions on how I could improve my life and finally felt I had a little courage to stand up for myself. I heard these words come from my mouth, "Please don't judge me. I have different responsibilities and different resources than you do." Fully expecting additional criticism, I was surprised to hear them respond with, "You're right." And our relationship has not been the same since. 

There's a common saying that to understand someone, it helps to walk a mile in their shoes. (see Mary Lathrap's 1895 poem Judge Softly). Or, there's this one, on retaliation: "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes" (Jack Handey, an American Humorist). The point is that in building relationships, someone will be more willing to change when they first feel understood.

Another time recently, I was talking with an associate and getting some advice. She asked me, "Would you rather have someone say to you, 'I have known you for a long time and that sounds like something you would do.' Or, 'Wow, I have known you a long time, but there is just so much to you that I am still learning.'?" I love inspired questions that get me thinking. 

When you are helping others with a 'reality check' or providing honest criticism, it is a good idea to first ask yourself, "Am I sharing this opinion out of love to help this person with their goals? or my goals for them?" I believe individuals in healthy relationships engage in a healthy balance of both Positive conversations of admiration for the other, and conversations of Corrective honesty followed by love. This is Not about 'letting someone down softly', and it is More than 'softening the blow'. Rather, this Is about providing encouragement and support to a friend who has just been reminded that they are human.

Here are some psychological reasons and ways for us mere mortals to accomplish great things, and Become Great humans Together!:

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• Constructive Feedback:  Research in psychology supports the idea that feedback should be clear and specific to be effective. Constructive feedback helps individuals understand what they need to improve without feeling attacked.
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• Positive Reinforcement: Showing an increase of love and support after giving corrective feedback aligns with the principle of positive reinforcement. This helps to strengthen the desired behavior and maintain a positive relationship.
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• Emotional Intelligence: The ability to manage and express emotions appropriately is a key aspect of emotional intelligence. Correcting others with love and clarity demonstrates high emotional intelligence, which is associated with better interpersonal relationships and leadership effectiveness. 
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• Attachment Theory: According to attachment theory, maintaining a secure and supportive relationship is crucial for emotional well-being. Showing love and support after correction helps to reinforce a secure attachment, which can lead to better emotional and psychological outcomes.
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Also, when another person is offering feedback, whether asked for or not, how do you receive it? Can you listen unoffended with the willingness to evaluate it's usefulness in your life, either on the spot or privately at a later time? Is there a small amount of truth to what the other person shared that you can take and use to become a better person? Why would you not consider the opportunity to become a better you? The discouraged individual would choose not to when/if they feel the presented room for improvement is out of reach. More is accomplished together. So, offering hope is important in building someone's faith in themselves to improve. 

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Cultural Diversity: good or bad?

Do we define our culture or do we let our culture define us? 

Or in other words, "To Be, or Not to Be?" - Socrates

From Merrium Webster's Medical Dictionary: 'culture' (n.)
-"the integrated pattern of human behavior that includes thought, speech, action, and artifacts and depends upon the human capacity for learning and transmitting knowledge to succeeding generations
-"the customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group"

Cultural diversity:  good or bad?
It is common for individuals who experience a 'culture shock,' as with immigrants, to feel at first overwhelmed and confused. However, when personal family upbringing of what is right or wrong is questioned, individuality is strengthened, having to decide with whom they now agree on a specific subject and to what culture and traditions they wish to keep and pass on to future generations. Those who choose to change a particular family tradition or behavioral pattern is called a transitional character.

Marriage is another example of a time individuals may experience a culture shock, as they try to fit in with their in-laws, or fight against the grain. Since the family unit is one form of social group, it is our first introduction to to culture, and thus leaves a lasting impression on our perceptions as we grow. If you want to shape society, shape the family. It is in the home that we lay our foundations. Differences can help us grow as we all try and learn to get along living here together on planet earth.

The verdict? My opinion is 'mostly good', the issue arises when we are not patient with each other. It's like transplanting a plant--if the transplant is not properly cared for in transition, it will experience a Major Traumatic Experience (when adverse conditions outweigh internal resources).

So I suppose the real issue is that individuality must be kept in its proper place. We are here on earth to learn from and teach one another; at the same time, we are also here to support and encourage one another. Brotherly love requires of us to practice patience with others and ourselves and we work together to understand one another, get along, and appreciate differences and commonalities.

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The great British prime minister Winston Churchill said, "We shape our environments; thereafter they shape us."

I add:  And they have the potential to shape us as well as our posterity for many generations. It is in our families that children learn from a young age what is acceptable, how to interpret non-verbal cues, and even definitions of words. Development of moral conduct and personal interests begin in the home. To belong, to feel needed and loved or accepted, is a basic need of mankind. We tend to associate with those who we have most in common. We long to be validated; when we receive approval in a particular belief or action, we most often allow such truth, lie, or preference to become a part of us.

Change is a necessary part of continued healthy development. While some changes are not always the best, it is to our advantage to at times be challenged in those things we once accepted. It is when we no longer feel validated externally or internally that we initiate personal change in the respective interest. If challenged where a dramatic change would be required to reduce the dissonance, the individual often becomes stressed to frantically find new sources for validation. If none can be found then the individual either may either experience negative emotions or choose to accept the challenge for accommodation.

Or in other words, when a belief is challenged, we get to make a choice:  to change our belief, or to change our belief about the challenger. Making this alteration in our thinking reduces the anxiety of being made aware of the dissonance or idiosyncrasy with our environment. We solve the dilemma, choose to let the anxiety stay or grow, or choose to make another focus more worthy of our attention.

Communication is a Two-way Street

Good communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. Clear communication is a skill to be practiced and talent to be maintained. Honesty and vulnerable transparency help others get to know us and are important keys to good communication. 

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I believe that children are inherently good, honest, loving creatures when they enter this world, especially those who join us on earth with a disability. All of the individuals that I have worked with (aged 6 to 35) have been good persons at heart. Many of the ones I have worked with who have Down Syndrome or ADHD also have proved good-hearted and caring. Many of them like to be silly and sometimes try to pull 'a fast one', but they are often just a kid at heart with s communication barrier to be worked through between the Neurotypical and the Neurodivergent. Dishonesty breads distrust, which can lead to further dishonesty. However, the opposite is also true:  Honest, caring love builds trust, which can lead to increased learning and connection.

Good communication is difficult in large part because there are an exponential amount more ways to mis-communicate. There are four gates a message must open for direct transmission between two communicators. If I'm talking with you, the gates are as follows:  what I mean, what I say, what you hear, and what you understand. The challenge of opening these gates can be described as a game of Telephone or gossip, where the message is often altered many times in the passing of it along to another.

It's nearly impossible to read someone else's mind. So, how does one successfully unlatch these gates of passage? One advancement is accomplished by repeating back what you hear, paraphrasing your interpretation of the meaning, and inviting the other to correct if necessary. Listening is just as, if not more, important in our conversations. It is wise counsel to communicate so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood.

In this digital age, we need to work even harder at understanding others. Much communitive information is lost when we rely only on words (without sound or guesture) to communicate. Sarcasm is especially dangerous when shared over text because it is highly reliant on contextual cues to discern. It's like building a brick wall in place of the gate between what I mean and what I say.

The easiest and most productive communication is accomplished with congruency in words, action, and meaning--say what you mean and do yourself what you say. Congruency is being sincerely honest with yourself and others. The development and application of these tools can enable even your whispering to be heard.

I recently found Communication Coach, Alexander Lyon, PhD on YouTube. He has some wonderful material on improving your communication professionally. Many of these tips are also useful communicating in our more personal relationships. If communication is important professionally, how much more important is communication in the relationships that we want to have last longer! 

Two of his videos that I discovered helpful so far with personal relationships is one on Active Listening Skills, and another on the use of Verbal and Non-verbal Communication to accompany what we have to say verbally. Practicing Active Listening can improve our patience with others in addition to more accurate decoding what they would like to share with us. The old adage "Sharing is Caring" is true for the sharing of our honest selves, and cannot be overstated, while remembering that 'sharing' is a two-way street--expressing and listening...repeat.

Data for Change

In my college Family Stress and Coping course we studied this ABCX model. When I was doing behavioral ABA therapy, we used a similar ABC method of gathering information. When I switched over from behavioral health to mental health, I was given this information again. I hope you find it useful.

Want to know how to change your experience, especially when life presents a crisis? Mathematical logic tells us that all you have to do to change the outcome is change any variable in the equation. Consider the equation A+BC=X.

A=Actual event, the facts
B=Behavioral response
C=Cognition(s), the meaning or interpretation we give to the facts
X=your total eXperience

Our personal perceptions are framed by our total experience.
Variable A is constant. The facts don't change.
Variables B and C are inter-dependant, or that any change in Cognition effects Behavior and your eXperience, and any change in Behavior effects Cognition and your eXperience.

For example:
Perceiving the facts of an event or interaction to be ill-intended, our likely behavior will be in defense, self-protection, and  possibly revenge and backbiting. This total experience will conclude in distress, relationship-destructiveness, or other such negative effects. Our total experiences build up over time to compile a library of evidence discouraging change. Depression and hopelessness often are a result of our perceived library collection of negative experiences.

This cyclic equation can also be a positive one. Compiling a library of positive total experiences results in a happy life. If perceiving the facts of an event or interaction to be well-intended (often noted as being optimistic or giving the other person the benefit of the doubt), our likely behavior will be one of reciprocating the perceived kindness, motivation for understanding, and other desired results. The total experience then ends in a positive, encouraging experience of joy and relationship building.

Faith and fear cannot exist in the same place at the same time. It is common to fear the unknown. Those who find themselves trapped in a library of negative evidence most likely feel they do not experience much success. Thus, success is unknown. Can you believe that a lot of us actually fear success?!

I recognize that disappointment and discouragement are at times a part of life. But if we remember that we have a choice in variables B and C, we are in control of our total experience. We can be in control our lives. We may not always control what happens, but we can control how they effect us much more often than we do. Consciousness, accountability, and intentionality are key. You have the power to change your experience and your life. You have the power to rule your world!