Practicing enjoying spending time together participating in healthy activities is the surest way to build a bond with another human being. If you want your children to listen to you, evaluate these questions and then think how you can adjust your own parenting choices so you can answer each one with a resounding YES:
Do your children know you love them?
Do your children know you prioritize their needs and are interested in their world?
Do your children feel emotionally safe to see you as a valuable resource when they encounter emotional and/or social pain?
Do your children know they are not responsible for your big-person feelings?
Do your children trust you to be patient with their current developmental understanding of the world?
Can you put yourself in your child's shoes (with their developmental understanding and cognitive resources) and do what you are asking them to do exactly how you are asking them to do it?
If Yes, remember you are still not them, and so you can only make an educated guess. Keep trying and trying again to get yourself closer and closer to a stronger Yes.
The parent-child relationship begins before birth. Hormones and nutrition flow between mother and child. Fetus can hear the sounds of mother by 16-18 weeks into pregnancy and the sounds of father by 25-28 weeks. Secure and loving social attachments are important for every individual's emotional and psychological development. How well parents cope and parents' coping styles greatly influence how their children will be able to cope and respond to life's many stressors.
The need for attachment continues into adulthood. Childhood attachment styles have been seen to carry into later romantic relationships, as the way in which we have learned to connect with (or avoid) others we wish to be close to. Dr. Sue Johnson has done much research with couples' relationships and has found parallel's in how positive or negative attachment styles learned with parents have the potential to carry over into later relationships. To learn more, check out her book, "Hold Me Tight."
A happy, healthy, attached relationship allows for a child to feel safe within relationships with others and safe to venture out into the world. My belief and observation is that Autism can be viewed as a developmental delay in the area of Attachment. It has been my experience that when attachment to a loved one is improved and there is a focus on helping the child or individual with autism feel safe in their unpredictable world, by providing some predictability and understanding in your efforts to love them, many troubling behaviors disappear. This is because many violent behaviors expressed by a child is just them trying to communicate their fears and desires in the face of extreme uncertainty. The solution is to lovingly explain, in a calm, reassuring tone, that their needs are in fact heard and understood.
To learn more on different attachment styles, visit Better Brains for Babies and Simply Psychology.
"Definition: Secure attachment is characterized by feelings of trust, safety, and comfort in relationships, a willingness to rely on others, and a belief that one is loved and valued.
Signs in children: Securely attached children tend to be confident explorers who easily seek comfort from caregivers when distressed. They typically develop positive self-esteem and form healthy relationships.
Signs in adults: Those with secure attachment usually maintain healthy relationships, trust others, and comfortably express emotions. They also exhibit a positive self-image and resilience to stress.
Parenting strategies: To foster secure attachment, be responsive to your child’s needs, provide consistent care, and remain emotionally available. These approaches help children feel safe, loved, and supported.
Benefits: Secure attachment is associated with numerous positive outcomes, including improved emotional well-being and the ability to form strong, healthy bonds with others throughout life."
-------------------------
Have you heard of the psychology experiment with the wire monkey with a bottle and a carpeted wire monkey without food? There is hard science to prove we have a fundamental need for warmth and comfort from another human being of our species.
This book was published in 2024. There is another book on the importance of hugs that was published in 1988 by Dr. Martha G. Welch entitled "Holding Time". Parents have an irreplaceable role in their child's development and adaptation to life on this planet.
One of my favorite books to illustrate the logic behind many illogical childhood behaviors is "Securely Attached". It is simply an amazing to read or listen to. This book explains so many of the behaviors I have seen when I worked in ABA Behavior Intervention in the schools, in the community and other opportunities I have had to help parents and children (with ODD especially).
