I was having a conversation with someone who I have known for the past 30+ years. I was feeling discouraged by this person's suggestions on how I could improve my life and finally felt I had a little courage to stand up for myself. I heard these words come from my mouth, "Please don't judge me. I have different responsibilities and different resources than you do." Fully expecting additional criticism, I was surprised to hear them respond with, "You're right." And our relationship has not been the same since.
There's a common saying that to understand someone, it helps to walk a mile in their shoes. (see Mary Lathrap's 1895 poem Judge Softly). Or, there's this one, on retaliation: "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes" (Jack Handey, an American Humorist). The point is that in building relationships, someone will be more willing to change when they first feel understood.
Another time recently, I was talking with an associate and getting some advice. She asked me, "Would you rather have someone say to you, 'I have known you for a long time and that sounds like something you would do.' Or, 'Wow, I have known you a long time, but there is just so much to you that I am still learning.'?" I love inspired questions that get me thinking.
When you are helping others with a 'reality check' or providing honest criticism, it is a good idea to first ask yourself, "Am I sharing this opinion out of love to help this person with their goals? or my goals for them?" I believe individuals in healthy relationships engage in a healthy balance of both Positive conversations of admiration for the other, and conversations of Corrective honesty followed by love. This is Not about 'letting someone down softly', and it is More than 'softening the blow'. Rather, this Is about providing encouragement and support to a friend who has just been reminded that they are human.
Here are some psychological reasons and ways for us mere mortals to accomplish great things, and Become Great humans Together!:
- Constructive Feedback: Research in psychology supports the idea that feedback should be clear and specific to be effective. Constructive feedback helps individuals understand what they need to improve without feeling attacked.
- Positive Reinforcement: Showing an increase of love and support after giving corrective feedback aligns with the principle of positive reinforcement. This helps to strengthen the desired behavior and maintain a positive relationship.
- Emotional Intelligence: The ability to manage and express emotions appropriately is a key aspect of emotional intelligence. Correcting others with love and clarity demonstrates high emotional intelligence, which is associated with better interpersonal relationships and leadership effectiveness.
- Attachment Theory: According to attachment theory, maintaining a secure and supportive relationship is crucial for emotional well-being. Showing love and support after correction helps to reinforce a secure attachment, which can lead to better emotional and psychological outcomes.
Also, when another person is offering feedback, whether asked for or not, how do you receive it? Can you listen unoffended with the willingness to evaluate it's usefulness in your life, either on the spot or privately at a later time? Is there a small amount of truth to what the other person shared that you can take and use to become a better person? Why would you not consider the opportunity to become a better you? The discouraged individual would choose not to when/if they feel the presented room for improvement is out of reach. More is accomplished together. So, offering hope is important in building someone's faith in themselves to improve.
